Unthankful

So it seems people are making all kinds of lists about what they are thankful for right now. I am taking a different route. This year I have decided that the one thing I am the most unthankful for is superglue. This has been the year of superglue hell. Seriously.

It all began just a few short days into 2011...new year, fresh starts, higher medical deductibles. I drop the oldest off at school and begin my morning tasks. As usual, the one and a half year old has removed all clothing down to just her diaper. It's actually cold today too but it's just us inside so no bother. After showering and flat ironing my hair stick straight I decide it's time to superglue a small piece of a toy back together. Now, I personally believe superglue is a staple around a house, like sugar or flour, and everyone should have some handy because you never know when you just might need it. I go to a used tube because that's how I roll. You must use all the first dried-out superglue before opening another tube from my stash of like 20. Mistake #1.

Mind you, I am trying to glue two pieces of plastic together is about the diameter of a toothpick and the height of my daughter's pinkie nail. Mistake #2. I squeeze the tube very, very carefully. Nothing. I massage the tube and work the remainder to the top of the tube. Nothing. I cut the tip off with some scissors and squeeze again. Nothing.

So I bet you are thinking at this point, "Karey, go get another freakin' tube." Mistake #3. I stick a pin in the hole. Guess what? Nothin'! Why on earth will it just not come out! Seriously! So I look in the tube and pop...an air bubble releases from inside the tube and shoots/sprays superglue in my eye. I have no idea how I knew not to shut my eye, but I immediately pulled my lids open and so it wouldn't shut. I then grabbed a new superglue tube (since I threw the old one in the air somewhere when it shot me) and I ran through my backyard to my neighbor's house. Thankfully our families are the best of friends and we put a door between our backyards for easier access. I leave my naked baby in the house...I mean I can't see her or anything else for that matter!

I burst into the neighbor's house without knocking and order her mother to my house to retrieve naked baby before she does something really bad. Trust me, LB can do very bad things, very fast, and that is why we all love her. Anyway, I then throw the superglue tube to my friend and scream that it is in my eye. I can only see through a cloudy milky film that is stuck to my eyeball. By now it is dry so I can blink but it feels like shards of glass and sand are all over. It hurts to close my eye. Neighbor calls Poison Control who says I need to get water in my eye. She hands me a bowl and I dunk my freshly showered, beautifully straightened hair right into the kitchen sink in a bowl. Had it not been winter I would have just jumped in the pool since sink water actually hurts to open your eyes in. Poison Control also says I need to go to the ER to prevent loss of eyesight. Okay, looks like we'll be meeting our deductible pretty fast this year.

So now I run home and jump back in the shower to continue running water in my eyes until my neighbor reaches my husband at work. Well, do you think he's going to answer his work or cell phone? Of course not. I yell from the shower to look up hubby's boss' number at work on the computer. That must have been an interesting conversation between the neighbor and my husband's boss as to why they needed to locate him and send him to the ER! It will take longer for hubby to take me to the ER so the neighbor's dad decides to drive me. Neighbor's mom takes on the challenge of LB and neighbor has to bring lunch to my daughter that I never managed to drop off earlier. Additionally, I was pretty sure at this point she'd be picking her up from school as well.

I get to the ER and they give me this wonderful pain drops for the eye. One drop in and you can't feel your eye anymore. Awesome. The only problem is that it doesn't last very long and is dangerous to continually use. For some reason I never looked at myself as an eye numbing pain-killer addict, but apparently they are out there and the nurse was guarding that little bottle with her life. After an exam with a black light that revealed it was a splatter all over the eyeball and not just a squirt, they tell me I have scratched on the cornea and they are going to flush it. The nurse comes back with an IV bag. I'm thinking, "Seriously! A freaking IV." I don't really mind shots and needles but I DO mind IV's. Then the nurse makes a very corny joke and says, "Yes, an eye-V." Ha. Ha. She proceeds to place a GIANT plastic contact lens onto my eyeball that has a tube attached to it. This tube is then attached to the IV bag. I cannot close my eye because I have a giant plastic suction cup stuck to my eye that is dripping saline solution into my eye, down my face and neck, and into my shirt. I am told to turn on my side and allow the solution to just drip on the towel under my head. Awesome. I stay in this position for the next three or so hours. Did I mention that I hadn't eaten anything yet?

I beg hubby to go somewhere to get me something, anything to eat. He looks at me dumbfounded and asks me what on earth to get. Seriously!? You've got to be kidding me. I convince him that fries and a burger will be fine. I'm pretty sure I can eat fries in upside down, in the dark, with both hands tied behind my back so I am confident I can manage this.

Eventually a few more "real" emergencies are brought into the ER and they need my bed. They release me to an Ophthalmologist  for further evaluation. Okay, well I don't know one, just like I don't know a plumber. I call a neighbor who has a friend who is an Optometrist. Not the same thing but maybe the friend of the friend has a friend who can get me in. Stalking skills come in handy and I score an appointment. They even stay open late just for me! I made out with only a few scratches on the cornea that healed on their own. Whew!

So, a few months later I break a nail pretty far down where it hurts. What do you do to mend a broken nail in a pinch? Superglue of course! I've learned my lesson and go straight for a new tube. It works so great that it runs down my finger. Very messy but effective. I'm going to be gone for the majority of the day so I throw the remainder of the tube in my purse. Fast forward to me driving down the road and my phone rings. I pull my cell out of my purse and notice it is attached to my daughter's immunization paperwork that I need to turn in. Oops. Not only are the papers superglued to my phone, but now the protective case on my phone is superglued shut and the case is superglued to my phone. I'm amazing. That case stayed superglued to my phone for months until I recently broke it open. Unfortuneatly as things would go in my world, I then dropped my phone and the glass front shattered. Guess I should have left the case superglued on instead. I wonder if super glue could fix my shattered screen? Kidding! Not really...I seriously do wonder!

Fast forward again a few months and I am once again trying to fix a toy. I mistakenly grab an open tube of superglue and squeeze. When it does not come out I remembered to point away from me, not look down the tube opening. Another air bubble and superglue splatters on my laminate flooring and it is still there to this day because I have no idea how to get it up. It's a constant reminder every time I mop and can't get up that stinkin' stained bubble, and every time I walk on it in the kitchen it feels like something is stuck there. To me it sticks out like a sore thumb.

Maybe I'll never learn. Karey and superglue are a bad combo. So since there are a million things for me to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, I choose to focus for the moment on the one thing I know for sure to be unthankful for...superglue.